Titans team up in latest sequel Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

She can feel it, Kong and Godzilla can feel it too. Something is coming, something even they’re afraid of. Some of your favorite big monsters are back in the latest sequel in the series, “Godzilla vs. Kong,” titled “The New Empire.” This time, instead of pitting the two against each other, they unite against a mysterious force threatening to destroy life as they know it. They’re set to conquer their enemies and the box office this weekend. The CBC’s Eli Glassner joins us now for a review.

So, Eli, where do we even start?

We start with the words on screen: “Somewhere on Hollow Earth.” And I think this is a suggestion, maybe a warning, maybe just a little bit of what to expect. That is a sign, somewhere in Hollow Earth. Take your brain, take any critical reasoning, take any semblance of rational thought or logic, and put that aside. You’re not going to need it for the next hour and 55 minutes. It is not that kind of film.

Because “Godzilla vs. Kong: The New Empire” finds the Titans, the kaiju, these mega-sized monsters reaching their final form. We just saw there, let’s see it again if we can. Yes, Kong gets his own Infinity Gauntlet. You may have seen that hand reaching out of the sand, and I’m not talking about Godzilla. There it is, that nice little glove there. And Godzilla gets his own Barbie pink makeover, which is nice. I mean, you know, the blue was getting kind of old, so it’s nice to see him trying out the pink. I think it looks nice on him. I’m talking about the ridiculous city-destroying Titan tussling, remarkable over-the-top levels of creature combat.

Now, Eli, you might say, what about the humans? What are they doing?

Well, Andrew, they are dying. They are dying in massive numbers, in the thousands, in the millions, as Kong and Godzilla, and a giant crab, and a squid, and whatever is left in the Atlantic, all play patty-cake. Now, oh, the humanity, perhaps you’re saying at home, but there is no humanity because when we are in Hollow Earth, there we are. This is a giant realm of CGI, a vast vista of computer effects, entire worlds. Hollow Earth. You could talk about the hollow script, but let’s talk about the human actors, who are not so much actors as they are just talkers, really. They are explainers. That is their function. Let’s take a look.

For most of human civilization, we believed that life could only exist on the surface of our planet.

So there is Rebecca Hall as the character I’m calling Science Lady. Science Lady likes to study Kong. Then you have Brian Tyree Henry. Now, he plays the nerd, because every one of these action films needs the nerd. He’s a nerdy guy who does nerdy things. He has a blog nobody writes and talks about blogs anymore, but he does. He has a podcast with hundreds of subscribers, and yet this nerd is the guy the Science Lady goes to for help when Kong starts acting strange. And then, finally, we have Dan Stevens as Trapper, which is basically like Ace Ventura meets Magnum P.I. His entire personality is his Hawaiian shirt. Let’s take a look at that.

Feel like going for a ride?

Thought you’d never ask.

Try not to swallow your tongue.

What?

Oh, my God, is that a mini-Kong?

Oh, my God, it’s not just a signal. That’s a call for war.

That’s a call for war on your brain. War on your brain. Okay, so for those who are curious, one or two people out there, tell us about the story and what’s happening.

Story. Let me, the sto— Okay, so Kong is sad. Kong actually has a sore tooth. I mean, that is tough right there. And none of the other monsters want to play with this guy other than a spiky friend on the surface of the Earth. And you know, when they get together, it’s a little bit of friction there. So he meets…there he is, this little red ape who introduces him to this big, tall, scary guy named Scar. And Scar, there he is, controls an ice-breathing monster I’m going to name Frosty. Now, while Godzilla is up on the surface of the Earth playing Pokémon, playing, kind of, got to catch them all, he’s been hunting Titans and building up his energy. He’s basically a rechargeable battery with a bad temper. Oh, and Science Lady’s indigenous, deaf adopted daughter has a connection to Kong and gets a message in the psychic group chat that something really bad is going to happen.

So if you, Andrew, have safely removed your brain and placed it in a bell jar, you won’t mind when the humans constantly stop the action to explain everything. You could almost enjoy this as like a super-sized version of Homeward Bound because the animals are the best part. You know, it’s just a movie about a gorilla and Godzilla trying to get along and go along. The lizard gets a makeover, Kong gets a snazzy new power glove. And I will say, and I’m going to do a little demonstration, there was a moment before they turned Rio to dust where, actually, here’s our friend Kong and Godzilla, and they were leaping into battle, and they froze the picture in slow motion. They were just suspended in front of me. And as I actually felt my brain melting out my ears, I thought, you know, that’s kind of beautiful. It’s kind of remarkable. It is also kind of ridiculous.

And so let me conclude with my rating: one star for Kong, one star for Mr. Scaly Godzilla, and half a star for the Hawaiian shirt. So that’s 2 and a half out of five.

Oh, that’s kind of mean. Okay, thanks, Eli Glassner.

Godzilla vs Kong: The New Empire – A Review by Eli Glassner

Get ready to turn off your brain and enjoy the monster mayhem!

Godzilla and Kong are back, but this time they’re teaming up against a mysterious threat in “Godzilla vs Kong: The New Empire.”

Spectacle Over Story

• Forget logic and critical thinking. This is a pure monster brawl for 1 hour and 55 minutes.
• The visuals are stunning, showcasing breathtaking CGI of Hollow Earth and epic creature battles.
• The human characters are mere pawns, mainly there to explain the plot and die in droves.

Monster Mash

• Kong gets his own “power glove” and Godzilla gets a shocking pink makeover.
• The action features giant creatures like a crab, a squid, and even a giant ice-breathing monster nicknamed “Frosty.”

Humanity on Hold

• The movie focuses heavily on the monsters with minimal character development for the humans.
• Rebecca Hall plays a scientist studying Kong, Brian Tyree Henry is the obligatory nerdy blogger, and Dan Stevens portrays a Hawaiian shirt-clad adventurer.

The Plot (Kind Of)

• Kong is lonely and looking for a friend. He finds a spiky companion on Earth and then encounters a giant scary ape named Scar.
• Godzilla is busy hunting other monsters and powering himself up.
• Meanwhile, a psychic message warns of impending danger.

A Ridiculous Romp

• The constant human explanations interrupt the action.
• Despite the silliness, the monster battles are undeniably entertaining.
• This movie is like a giant monster version of “Homeward Bound,” focusing on the unlikely friendship between Kong and Godzilla.

Eli’s Rating:

• 1 star for Kong
• 1 star for Godzilla
• 0.5 star for the Hawaiian shirt

Final Verdict: 2.5 out of 5 stars (a bit harsh, but hey, the movie melted Eli’s brain!)